20 Things You Didn’t Know About the Buick Verano

Everybody knows that the Buick Verano is the newest compact sedan from the respected American company. But there is so much more to learn. Here are twenty things that you did not know about the Verano.

1. Verano is the Spanish word for summer. The Buick corporation would like you to think of summer when you think of their vehicle, but they’re afraid to come right out and say it.

2. Advanced security features cast wicked panic-induced fright levels upon those who would do you harm.

3. The design for the all-modern Buick Verano was based on a bunch of toys which the designers owned when they were children including pinewood derby cars (see #3).

4. The resemblance to a Pinewood Derby model is not accidental. That is why the Verano performs particularly well on downhill inclines.

5. In a classy move that proves Buick’s responsiveness to customer concerns, this year’s model has been retooled so all four doors open from the inside.

6. Whisper quiet floor mats. Seriously. They have acoustic dampening or something.

7. Zombie-proof windows and electric locks mean that shambling undead hordes cannot possibly eat you. Works equally well for fast sombies and slow zombies.

8. The Buick Verano can go from zero to 60 mph in 6.2 seconds, which is fast enough to get away from a Buick Regal.

9. Ventiports connect the future to the past.

10. Deluxe air conditioner can handle even the most powerful bad odors, including grandma’s feet.

11. The front end was swapped with the rear end during the design process. They still haven’t noticed, but it works really well in reverse.

12. Spacious windshield and large viewing area provide widest possible number of distractions from texting and facebooking. Also comes with amazing crash protection and air bags, but insurance is not included in purchase price and may increase in price according to usage.

13. Easy to steer with one knee, or an elbow, or one pinkie on one hand that is holding a sandwich, or a bagel, or a cup of coffee. (Disclaimer: Driving distractions like food are dangerous – remember this is suppose to be lighthearted folks).

14. Four doors, five passengers. How is this possible? It is a mystery!

15. Front-wheel drive means the front half of vehicle could theoretically serve as an escape pod if something terrible were to happen to the back half.

16. Spacious interiors and acoustic dampening help you forget about chaotic home life and the world gone mad outside.

17. This year’s Verano features four wheels for extra safety.

18. All Buick vehicles emit a subtle aesthetic anti-hooliganism force field which keeps youngsters and their disrespectful manners away. This deters graffiti and indecent language as well.

19. Recent testing finds Buicks to be no more susceptible to bad luck than any other vehicle.

20. The Buick Verano won’t help you get away from a super villain trying to attack you, but it will help you hide from them in a parking lot.