Christmas Shopping in a Buick

December…

I’m waking up at 9 a.m. on a Saturday.

The plan to spend an entire day hopping from store to store in relentless pursuit of presents for in-laws and third cousins. (I didn’t even know I had third cousins.) I’m curious as to what part of their rehearsed reactions is supposed to justify these days filled with icy roads, freezing cold, and general discomfort. If only there was some magical chariot to take me from Bed Bath & Beyond to the Target on the other side of town. Something with automatic temperature control and leather seats front to rear.

Something with MP3 decoder for my tunes and 6 speakers to kick out the sound.

Who loves driving in the snow? Santa Clause and, oh, that’s right: no one. I don’t have enchanted woodland creatures lifting my car into the air. Frankly, the idea scares me. I don’t have the beard to pull that off. What I want is ABS and driveline traction control and a StabiliTrak stability control on 18″ wheels. Things a regular, non-magical human needs to get out of this mess in one piece.

It’s not just me I need to take care of.

Among my precious cargo are some newly acquired cardigan sweaters, five blenders, my three kids and a teddy bear named “Mookie.” That’s why I need side seat mounted airbags, curtain overhead airbags, airbag occupancy sensors, and brake assist. Enough airbags to turn my car into a life raft. For my little holiday helpers. And for Mookie.

That’s my job.

I’m the holiday driver. I didn’t make the lists, I didn’t call the family members. I don’t have the insight into the personal preferences of family I forget I have every year until December 20th. I’m not a tactician. I’m a road warrior. I plot the routes. I deal with the traffic. I get everyone home safe.

I need a driving machine that’s spacious and effective. I need a car that knows I need enough cup holders and door baskets for all the orange sodas and Lattes my army of shoppers asks for. I need enough power and enough fuel economy to get me from A to B to C and back to B where we forgot about the specials on socks, with enough style and luxury to make the long drives seem short. I don’t need an SUV built for mammoth size or for driving through the swamp, because who drives through a swamp? There are no sales at the swamp. Why do I know that? Because it’s my job to know, that’s why.

The 2013 Buick Enclave SUV…for everyone who’s not Santa Clause.